What a day. What a lovely day.

After an absolutely devastating penalty kicks loss in the 2011 Finals of the World Cup to Japan…

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…the USWNT got its rematch, four years later — and boy, did they make the most of their second chance…

Right before kickoff: we were treated to an emotional monologue by Abby Wambach, who was about to play in her last international game ever — and took a couple minutes to reflect on her journey…

Is it getting dusty in here or is it just me?

Anyways, there was a game to be played… and to be honest, it didn’t last very long. First, the world met “Eagle Guy” — some bro king who was in the stands viciously rooting for the United States in an awesome Bald Eagle costume.

The United States came out of the gates with the ferocity of a spider monkey that just drank a bath tub full of Red Bull.

Only 2 minutes and 34 seconds into the game: Carli Lloyd GOLAZO!!!!!!

Two minutes later: CARLI LLOYD は、スコアリングを停止することはできません!!!!!!!!!! (That is Japanese for: CARLI LLOYD CAN’T STOP SCORING)

“Bruh…”

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Fast-forward to the 14th minute, and BANGARANG!!!!!!


  • TO: Japan
  • FROM: United States
  • SUBJECT: This Game.
THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!!!!

Just when you thought the US would let up… CARLI J.R. SMITH LLOYD HAT TRICK CONTESTED STEP BACK BOMB FROM MID FIELD!!!!

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I know what you’re thinking: what would the goal sound like if narrated by Gus Johnson?

ANSWER:

And here’s the glorious Andres Cantor call of it Spanish…

After a first half hat trick, this is obvious…

Japan going into the locker room for halftime was like….

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Japan made a cute comeback attempt, cutting the lead in half…

 

but, Tobin Heath put it away for the United States…

https://vine.co/v/en7vwjlathg

WWE’s Jim Ross made an appearance and called the 5 US goals…

and Abby Wambach made her grand entrance to a standing ovation, taking on the captain’s arm band from Carli Lloyd.

HI I’M HERE FOR THE PARTY. I SHOULD BE ON THE LIST, FIRST NAME: EAGLE. LAST NAME: GUY.

https://vine.co/v/en7rHlYMeH7

Trophy Lift time! Led by … who else … Abby Wambach.

“WORLD CUP CHAMPIONS!!!!”

Obviously have to take a selfie because it’s 2015

Confetti is fun so TIME TO PLAY IN THE CONFETTI

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And gotta save the best for last…

Wambach’s American Flag Victory Lap…

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America rules.