You woke up early for this. You waited outside for the store to open. Frosty breath. Strangers faces illuminated blue with the glow of cellphone screens.

That one guy. That one guy ahead of you. You plotted how to trip him. You plotted how to swim-move like Suh. You were gonna box him out like Rodman. You were gonna shake and bake right to checkout, with all the holiday shopping glory.

You planned.

You projected.

You made a spreadsheet.

You wanted that 60-inch ULTRA-3D-High-Def Selfie-Stick…

But then this happened.

You wanted that new thing. Not the old new thing, But new-new thing. But then…

Just when you think it’s all too easy…even the “little guy” gets ahold of you.

And Blake brings just enough nutmeg for the pie.

Even when the other guy gets that boo-zazzy-shaka-laka!

But somethings never change.

And James Harden earns all those shoes…

But some things remain. Like the aftertaste of your mother’s apple pie. Flashes of the glory of what could have been.

Like splinters in your mind.

But you remember a few basics for application this time of year.

One: Men never wear “man-buns.”

Two: Brett Farve’s head was massive.

And finally, if you Google it; you will find it.

Till next time, YOLO and somebody has to buy that 70-inch plasma, why can’t it be you?