For the next few minutes, I will write about another man’s balls. Not just any man and not just any set of balls. I speak of New England Patriot Quarterback Tom Brady…and his balls.

My words concern Tom’s balls. And those balls should concern all of us. Turns out, Gisele and I have something in common. And also the equipment managers for the New England Patriots. And New England Center Brian Stork as well as other Patriots; such as Brandon LaFell, Gronk, Danny Amendola, and Julian Edelman.

Wow, that’s quite the list of people to know and understand how Brady likes to keep his balls

Tom Brady, Super Bowl Champion, prefers his balls squishy.
Tom Brady, Super Bowl Champion, prefers his balls squishy.

I also know how hard he wants to work his balls during the week while he is prepping for the big game. Turns out he’s pretty hard on his balls. He is also pretty tough on the guys that take care of his balls, and they resent him a little bit for it. When you make $9 million per year, you can pay or have your employer pay, someone to take care of your balls for you.

I speak plainly, my dear reader, of the report released on May 6th about the now infamous, “Deflategate.” The un-scandal focused on the questionable “squishiness” and “grippiness” of the balls, Mr. Brady, used during the AFC Championship game occurring on January 18, 2015.

The Wells Report tips the scales at 243 pages and is as dry as a report about Tom Brady’s balls could be. What is clear from the report is there was a football game. Two teams played a decisive game. Balls were used. It is not a particularly compelling read, but I am sure we can get a tv movie of the week deal out of it sponsored by a low-testosterone drug manufacturer. We can sell ads for the premier on the sides of buses whose routes pass by urologist offices.

We’ve nothing but potential with this, folks! The sky’s the limit! Tom could be the next poster-boy for men who care enough about their balls to put them in the care of other men who get paid a fraction of what he makes just by getting out of bed!

Like the balls it investigated, the report is rather squishy. It doesn’t say Tom ordered the Code Red on his balls during that game. It doesn’t say if Patriot Team Owner Robert Kraft ordered the Code Red on Tom’s balls. It does say that it is “more probable than not” that Patriots personnel likely knew they were breaking the rules and Tom Brady was “likely aware.”

That isn’t good enough for me… I WANT THE TRUTH!

Who ordered the Code Red!

And neither can you!

We won’t know who ordered the Code Red because we live in a world that has walls, and those walls are guarded by men with more money that you or I will ever have.

Who going to guard those walls with all that money? You? The Owners and League Officials have a greater responsibility than you can fathom.

You weep for the Colts, and you curse Tom’s balls.

You have that luxury.

You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that that time spent in the bathroom alone with Tom’s balls, while tragic, probably saved lives, and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives.*

Till next time, I can’t handle the truth…follow me @Deepdfspicks.

*Portions of this column were borrowed from Jack Nicholson’s masterful portrayal of Col. Jessup in the 1992 film, A Few Good Men.