To start the week off right, I decided to bring to your attention four stories that I can breath a little fire about and hit my word count.
Point Numero Uno
Question. How’s the Cuban food in Boston? Answer. About to get better than ever before. The “BWAH-ston Red Sawx” just shelled out $63 million to sign young Cuban star Yoan Moncada. Of which, Moncada gets $31.5 million. The other half will be diverted into a slush fund held by the dark masters of professional sports to be divided up amoung increasing air-pollution, slapping sandwiches out of random peoples’ mouths, and political contributions to strategically important dog-catcher races across the continental United States.
“So what,” you say? Major League Baseball Clubs are always shelling out massive contracts to players. But that’s not the story here, folks. The story is the “BWAH-ston Red Sawx” are subject to some overage tax rule that MLB is applying that basically doubles the amount they had to pay. Pleas note, that kind of scratch used to be only tossed into the air by the Yankees; now everybody is making it rain in da club!
In other news, Pablo Sandoval had an awkward hug with a guy in a panda suit.
Yasiel Puig couldn’t be reached for comment as he was busy not saying anything on Instagram.
Virgule Deux. (Point Two)
FIFA, in its ever increasing density of bull$hit and hubris, announced today that the “winter break” it supposes for the 2022 FIFA “World Cup in the Sandbox” isn’t going to be as long as needed in the Brazil World Cup. Remember the reasoning for moving the normally summer tournament to winter was because Qatar bursts into flames during the Summer months and because money is made of paper and paper burns; it’s mainly a logistical thing, if the money burns up then FIFA isn’t going to make as much out of the whole boondoggle.
Mental note: invest in thermal money bags for upcoming trip to surface of the sun World Cup tournament.
Punkt Drei! (Point Three)
Reported by Bob McGinn in the Milwaukee-Wisconsin Sentinel Journal: an unnamed scout at the NFL Combine (a.k.a. horse show for NFL Coaches and Executives)recently quoted the second law of thermodynamics in reference to Jameis Winston. “The second law of thermodynamics basically is the more ways something can happen, the more likely it is to happen.” The unnamed scout further refined his statement with, “That’s true of players. The more ways they can (expletive) up, the more chances they (expletive) up. This guy’s got a lot of stuff that would lean him more likely to be a bust than a good player.” Well, that’s comforting. I’m sure we are all happy to know that Jameis Winston has a lot of flaws and the possibilities for him to sputter out and plop are keen in the minds of the guys making judgment calls through binoculars while they chew on unlit cigars and Blackjack gum.
I’m not supporting Winston or Mariota. I could care less about the NFL Combine because we all know hope springs eternal until the drug test is failed or the knee is bent 90 degrees the wrong way. I don’t care about some anonymous NFL scout speaking his mind. I do care about the overblown hype that these two guys have received over the past season. I do care that there is a lot of talent in the NFL Combine from guys that have never had a story written about them before that goes unreported.
Frankly, I’m surprised the second law of thermodynamics is even considered anymore. I’m partial to the three laws of robotics when thinking about sciency-sportsy-stuff.
Dare I ask, can either of these cats even quote me “A” law of thermodynamics or “A” law of robotics? I doubt it. But I’d be happy to be wrong on that subject.
When reached for a comment, the Heisman Trophy questioned the validity of its own existence and stood motionless stricken with fear as people took pictures next to it.
Punto Quattro. (Point Four)
Mario Balotelli did something very Mario Balotelli. At a crucial moment during a match played late last week, Balotelli, took the ball from his teammate and scored a goal. The controversy? Balotelli didn’t have a funny little armband saying he was captain and by some fiction of the Soccer Gods did not have the indivisible right to kick a ball at that exact moment. Because in international soccer it’s about the armbands. #whocares
Suddenly laments and gnashing of teeth thundered across the soccer world. My stupid American mind asked, “why? He scored the goal. That’s a good thing, right?” No, turns out the Captain is to kick the ball at that particular time and Balotelli was being arrogant, Italian, and well…Balotelli.
All righty right then.
“People” didn’t like that. And when I use quotes about “people” I mean these kind of “people.”
I suspect the reason people didn’t like what Balotelli did is mainly because they don’t like Balotelli. But when a guy is 26 of 28 (92%) on penalty kicks, he can slap the sandwich out of my mouth and I’ll thank him for it.
Till next time, trust your gut and follow me @deepdfspicks