Ok I think we can all agree that this guy (and anyone who has ever run into play during a sporting event) is an idiot, anyone who has ever tweeted “5,000 Retweets and I’ll (Insert illegal activity that gets you 15 seconds of glory, but, ultimately ruins your life HERE) is a jackass, and “fans running on to the field” is getting a little old … but, i’d be lying if I said this 11 second instagram video wasn’t secretly on my bucket list.
If i’m going to risk getting caught and potentially have to serve a year of jail time: I don’t want to run on the field, like 99% of idiots, to wave my arms around for a couple of seconds before ultimately getting speared like i’m a WCW opponent of Goldberg.
I’d want to do something epic.
This bro king from the Cubs/Cardinals game last night YOLO’d so hard, (other than the tens of thousands of dollars he’s going to spend retaining a defense attorney), I have never been this jealous of anyone in my life.
Dude out here looking like a Legends of the Hidden Temple contestant without any pendants in Olmec’s Final Challenge.
Now, the most important question: If you find yourself in this situation, what would your trademark move be? Would you…
- Do a funny dance move/somersault on home plate like the Cardinals guy?
- Just try to dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge every guard on the field until they catch you?
- Hug your favorite player?
- Bring a sign out with you and try to get your message broadcast to the world?
The first of which requires two wingmen to join me in this dangerous adventure. Hear me out: a game of pickup baseball. One of us bats, one of us pitches, one of us fields. In the ~5 seconds we have until the stadium security closes in, we conduct a pretend at-bat … ball goes into play … and the batter tries to round the bases while the pitcher and fielder chase down the ball/try to get the batter out at home-plate before they complete the inside-the-park home run — all while everyone is running around avoiding getting tackled. A little childish, yes, but look at me in the face and tell me it wouldn’t be the most glorious thing ever to say you touched every bag before getting arrested…
The second requires you to be at the home venue of your most-hated rival. For me, that would be Yankee Stadium. Next, in the few seconds you have on the field — you are going to perform a voodoo spell, pour the contents of the hex into the grass, and curse the franchise for the rest of eternity. You are essentially paying ~$15,000 in fines and lawyer fees to insure that your enemy never wins a World Series again — because everything you read on the internet is true and this plan is 100% full-proof.
Now that I think about it, I’m baffled that no-one has thought of this already. I don’t want to hear about “The Curse of the Bambino” being lifted, that was just a coincidence. I’m talking dark, voodoo “turn Khal Drago into a zombie” magic here that isn’t curable.
Moving on: third, and most-importantly: I want to be the guy that no-one can catch. I want to be that Houston Astros fan from the video above — I want to touch home plate, make a run for the center field wall, scale it, and slip out the back door. My only thing is that this needs to be accomplished at EVERY major league park. You would be ‘The Dark Knight’ of Baseball. Create an anonymous Twitter account, announce which stadium is next on the hitlist, and go for it after you’ve planned out a sure escape. Fans show up not knowing if tonight is the night that “the masked field-rusher” goes for glory at your stadium. You’re telling me people wouldn’t speculatively buy tickets to see it happen in person? I’m pretty sure everyone wins here.
The moral of the story is: if you’re going to hop the fence at a sporting event, you better put on a show and/or make it worth it. As a wise, fictional Babe Ruth once said to Benny ‘The Jet’ Rodriguez in The Sandlot: “Heroes get remembered, but, legends never die.”