“This is an abomination! It is as repulsive as a Yankees/Red Sox scarf!”

My wife can be very opinionated when it comes to sports and tradition. The resident “Greatest Yankees Fan,” married to yours truly, is also my muse for most of my rowdy takes on sports stories that the guys at Draftkings like to publish. So thank/blame her.

Prompted by an article published in the New York Times concerning a recent trend in soccer scarves that includes either arch rival or match-day scarfs. The fodder for tourist dollars includes two teams competing in a decisive match, or a particular match of historical significance. These “split-scarfs” are bait for people with too much damn money and possibly needy couples that just need something to validate their cursed relationship in order for it to survive the weekend.

These colors don't run.
These colors don’t run.

I bet these people even take the scarf home and hang it over some disgusting shrine of conflagrating memorabilia that makes the stomach of a true soccer fan churn with a mixture of bile and stomach acid.

What is the first rule of capitalism? Will someone buy it?

What is the second rule of capitalism? Sell it to them.

In the harsh world of business, there is nothing sacred. Not even a match of the reds versus the blues.

Ugh. I’m neither a fan of United nor City, but this is simply wrong. And my wife agrees, which validates my outrage.

Part of me wants to believe the scarves would simply burst into flames upon creation, but this is also how plots for demon possession films get going.

For example:

(*cue the Exorcist theme music*)

“I need an old Yanks fan and a young Red Sox fan!”

I grab my holy pine tar

“The power of the Immaculate Reception Compels YOU!”

the snarling of a Red Sox/Yankees fan echoes through the room

“I cast you out of stock at Amazon.com!”

(*cut scene*)

It is simply wrong, but let’s explore the possibilities before the soccer riots break out.

Yanks v. Red Sox. The fabric would simply curl and burst into flames. At least I hope it would.

Patriots v. Dolphins. There are vast swaths of New England that just spiked their iPads, in a most un-Gronk-like manner.

Raiders v. Chiefs. Don’t even think of trying to drag one of these to a seat in the Black Hole of Oakland. You wouldn’t survive and they wouldn’t even search for the body.

Capitols v. Penguins. Don’t piss-off hockey fans. Insult the guy who brings a live octopus in his coat to a regular season game before you dare bring this spilt-scarf to either D.C. or Pittsburg.

Anaheim v. Kings. Hockey may be a cold-climate sport, but the ocean will boil if you try it with this rivalry.

Islanders v. Rangers. Again, don’t mess with the Long Island-Manhattan conundrum. The scarf just might spark a civil war we didn’t know was brewing.

Flames v. Canucks. Canadians are generally extremely agreeable people, but I wouldn’t drag this across their doorstep unless you want to see if the Wendigo really does exist.

D.C. United v. New York Red Bulls. I’ll give you three steps before I table flip and come after you.

Bulls v. Knicks. Red and Black just don’t mix with Orange and Blue. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.

USA v. Mexico. No. Don’t even dare comprehend the blasphemy.

You can pry it from my cold. dead. hands.
You can pry it from my cold. dead. hands.

Imagining scarves for all of these rivalries just makes me want to make reservations for the mattress room at my local sanitarium.

Leave the rivalries for the field, pitch, and court. To memorialize it to serve some base desire to either make a buck or validate your dichotomy of a relationship and simply wrong.

Till next time, friends don’t let friends buy a “match-day” scarf and follow me @Deepdfspicks.