Over the past 11-months, the DraftKings Moustache team has been taking a look at every facial follicle in the world of sports. Now, following a thorough analysis of the numbers and weeks of heated internal debates, we are proud to present to you The 2016 Stachie Awards, Recognizing Excellence in Moustacherie in Sport Sponsored by DraftKings.
Each of Adams’ and Kanter’s mustaches deserve recognition in its own right. But united as BFF’s in post-KD OKC, their staches form a sum much greater, and socially significant, than its parts.
Kanter’s mustache is influenced by multiple styles, but not beholden to any one traditional mustache construct. Too thick to be a Pencil. Too linear to be considered a Dad-stache. Shades of Freddy Mercury. Whatever it is, it is a delightful stache on a delightful giant human.
For every way in which Kanter’s mustache is restrained and elusive, Adams’ is brash and forceful. Adams’ lip-sweater is proud and rooted in honor – yet, it is also highly dangerous to its enemies.
In harmony, they form something much bigger and more impactful. Their collective lip-plumage is a beacon of international brotherhood and low-post swag.
Most Innovative Stache: Anthony Davis
Just 23-years old, Davis is already among the Masters of fine mustache art. Bursting onto the post-modern scene at the 2012 Final Four, his instantly iconic forehead-stache can now be viewed in DraftKings lineups nearly nightly. The brow-broom challenges the restrictions society too often places on mustaches. But the enlightened among us accept the beauty of a world where people have the freedom to grow a mustache anywhere on their face that makes them happy, and in which Anthony Davis averages something like 40-18-11-5-5.
Best Performance by a Stache in a Drama: Andy Reid
Stark signs of winter have arrived in Kansas City, Missouri. But for the near 80,000 packed into Arrowhead Stadium this frigid November afternoon, there is to be no winter. There is nothing predating or beyond the final 2-minutes and 37-seconds of this tied game… The crowd is electric, yet nervous. The players too are uncertain of what will unfold… The moustashioed chess master stands stoically on the sideline… Quarterback Alex Smith stares toward his coach, anxious to receive a play call. Yet the big man in red does not move. His walrus-stache conceals his mouth, reveals nothing… The play clock expires. Still, the mustache reveals nothing. The ref signals for the clock to resume. Smith again awaits instruction… He continues to wait. The mustache reveals nothing…
Two-minute warning… The big man in red makes a move, but only to adjust his fanny pack a bit… More delay of game penalties…. Many commercials… His mustache reveals nothing… He stands on the sideline motionless long after the fans, players, refs and media have vacated the stadium. Still, the mustache reveals nothing.
Worst Stache: Sidney Crosby
The Stachies’ mission is to praise the Art of Moustasherie. On principle, it does not recognize such a thing as a bad mustache. Except, deep down we know that some mustaches are bad and that Sidney Crosby’s mustache is, in fact, the worst of all the bad mustaches.
It is understandable that Sidney wants to be “one of the guys” and grow out a good muzzy during Stanley Cup runs. But what he does is an assault on the Mustache Brand. The Mustache stands for strength and dignity. What Sidney grows on his face sucks the souls out of fans and casts fogs of despair over major cities. [TRUE FACT: Although wispy-looking, Sidney’s beard can only be shaved by a Patronus cast by a very powerful wizard.]
The PGA Tour’s FedEx Cup has been around since 2007. The tournaments feature massive purses, but most fans still think of the Cup as far less important than any of the four majors. But that all began to change this fall when Rickie Fowler invented the Golf Playoff Mustache.
It’s brilliant, think about it: What is the best way to increase attractiveness? Earn more praise? Command more respect? You grow a mustache, grow a mustache and grow mustache. Fowler realized that the same goes for major sporting events. If you want people to commit, you better put a stache on it. Rickie did that for the FedEx Cup with some solid looking lipholstery.
One final IMPORTANT note to close out our awards: Over the course of #Movember, we at DraftKings will be working 24/7 to grow award-worthy cookie-dusters of our own. We’d love to see the fine staches being cultivated by DraftKings players this month as well, so tag us in your posts.
MORE IMPORTANTLY, if you’d like to help raise money for the Movember Foundation and support men’s health (which would be a very cool thing of you to do) click this: www.Movember.com. All donations go to an organization that is run by good, honest people who work really hard for a very worthy cause.