MAXIMO! Maximo Banguera! Take a bow. #SlowClap.

You’ve just been red carded off the pitch for faking like you were dead. How did they know you weren’t dead? The dead don’t get up…and you weren’t really dead.

ProSoccerTalk at NBC Sports had this report:

“Throughout the history of soccer, players have tried many different tactics to avoid punishment or change the referee’s mind over the obvious of calls. Some are subtle, while others practice the “go big or go home” moniker. Barcelona Sporting Club (Ecuador) goalkeeper Maximo Banguera is one of the latter.

Banguera, upon taking down an opponent some 15 yards outside his own penalty area, decided the referee couldn’t show him a deserved red card if he was dead, so he decided to play dead on the field (above video).

The best part of this video is that Banguera goes straight into playing dead. It’s not a delayed reaction, he doesn’t need time to come up with the idea, there’s no pondering, “Maybe I’ll get away with it.”

Nope, he takes the player down — who, by the way, get up and stop flailing around, sir — and the second he hits the ground…dead. In total, 45 seconds pass between Banguera hitting the ground and his first eye-blink. Also notice that the referee never actually calls for the trainers himself, and instead attempts to shake Banguera “awake.”

Banguera for new FIFA president? Why not?”

Here’s the video.

What is the take home on this? If you’re going all out to sell a flop, stop just before you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t bust a Maximo. Don’t go all Banguera on us.

Frankly, you got to give the guy credit for trying to sell it. I mean, it was a good hit. Too bad it was a real hit. But not enough of a real hit. The Ref runs up our fallen bluffer with red card in hand.

It’s too bad, he had such a cool name. I wanted to turn this story around and really hit with some quips using his name, but sadly its just not in the cards.

But that’s not going to stop me from trying.

“Lo, I saw a rider upon a pale horse. And it’s rider was Maximo…Maximo! Banguera!”

You see, it just doesn’t work.

How about some Yakov Smirnoff, “In Ecuadorian Soccer, Red Card kills you. “

Perhaps we’ve got all this wrong, folks. That Ref has the power to bring people back form the dead. And then kick them out of the match. He’s like the Good Guy Greg of God-like Soccer Ref’s.

My only remaining question. Was the ref’s middle name…Jesus? Was this a miracle? Did we not just witness a possible deification qualifier for the Jesus-Ref?! I’m no bloviater – wait, I get paid to talk and write… well, um, dare I say… that Ref has magical powers in that there back pocket.

Can I get a “What? What?!”

Till next time, death before red cards, and follow me @Deepdfspicks.