I’m going to take it down a notch. I mean we’ve got to pace ourselves. Sure, the Pro Bowl is hitting us soon then it’s the Super Bowl. So we’ve got to save some for the final stretch.

I mean, I can’t tell you how many marathons I’ve run that I told the cab driver to slow down a little and stay on the side streets.

But first, a dab for everyone.

With that out of the way, Jim Gaffigan is one of the best comedians today. His jokes on food, gluttony, and being a dad are unsurpassed. He’s like the Andrew Dice Clay of Hot Pocket Jokes. He’s like the Amy Schumer of Dad Jokes. The John Candy of…er…Candy Jokes?

But back in the day, Jim Gaffigan also played Carolina Panther’s Tight end Greg Olsen in the made-for-TV movie about Greg Olsen before Greg Olsen was Greg Olsen. (How many times can I cram Greg Olsen’s name into a sentence?)

I chalk this one up to being separated by time and space with a dash of alternate timeline for flavor. Think about it, in another timeline Jim Gaffigan is catching passes from Barack Obama and Greg Olsen is a chubby white comic. But I am, and will always be, a fat kid writing stuff…you will always be reading it. These are the two constants in this insane celestial machine we can hold true too.

That and you were just invited to the Pro Bowl.

Think about it. The truth is out there.

In another example of the hilarity that people think they have any modicum of control over the forces surrounding us. Seahawks fans have started a petition to ban Cam Newton from their home stadium because of the disrespect he showed to a 12th Man flag hung in Cam’s stadium in Charlotte after Cam sent the team – and all their 12th Man fans – packing two weeks ago.

Not kidding…this is real.

This past week we caught wind of a foul stench coming out of the LA Clippers Camp. Blake is still out for more time. Because he punched a member of the training staff and broke his hand. I’ve got footage from Bleacher Report that shows the whole thing, right here.

Rumors are flying folks. It’s important to believe your lying eyes over anything else these days.

I’m going to get a little sentimental right now and give big props to @World_Wide_Wob for always being there to post crazy Vines on the New York Knicks for me to eye-guzzle. Exhibit A, gives us this HUGE three-pointer by none other than the newest Madison Square Garden Monster, Kristaps “Godzigins” Porzingis.

When is the NBA going to put in the four-point line? #stillwaiting

And then there was this redonkulous…putback “dizgunkis” by Godzingis.

And this one, too.

Keep the Vines coming and shine on you crazy diamond, @World_Wide_Wob.

But back to the monster. Godzingis is balling like he’s back home on the hard-luck blacktops of downtown (insert capital of Latvia here) with all his homies wearing cornrows and macking on all the (insert colloquial female gender nickname for attractive young women in Latvia in the mid-90s.).

#keepit100

Add the following to the result of someone setting their fantasy lineup in the broadcast truck at the game the other night.

Can someone help me get a hold of Yasiel Puig? He’s gotta know this isn’t a real car and he should stop this kinda nonsense.

It’s funny because he’s a real baseball player sitting in a fake car, right?

And now for the obligatory post about a Dog Story from the last MLB season. Ladies and Gents, I give you…Hank the Ballpark Pup. May the sun never set on his wet little nose.

 

Why? Because Spring Training is coming soon. And because everyone loves a good Dog Story. That’s just how fantasy sports blogging works these days. #idontmaketherules #ijustbreakthem

As for my other favorite sport, Soccer, the US doesn’t have the market cornered on obnoxious fans. Turns out Norwich City has their own special breed.

https://twitter.com/SwearingSport/status/690889587934248964

Remember, smile for the camera and thank god that wasn’t a tramp stamp.

Till next time, I’m available to be the drunk uncle at any Child’s Birthday party and my balloon animal game is strong.

 

@Deepdfspicks