This just in, a billionaire in New England is upset. Excuse me if I don’t immediately write my Senator and Congressman to alert them to this crisis.

Hello and good evening to Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. New England Patriots Owner Robert Kraft remains “disturbed” at this hour over the “unfair” treatment he believes Tom Brady received from the Wells Report.

“This whole thing has been very disturbing,” Kraft told

Robert Kraft is rich. He is also upset that the NFL punished his team for CHEATING. Excuse if I don't care that he's "upset."
Robert Kraft is rich. He is also upset that the NFL punished his team for CHEATING. Excuse if I don’t care that he’s “upset.”

Further, Kraft said, “to received the harshest penalty in league history is just not fair.”

Well, Mr. Kraft, it wasn’t fair for one team to have some ability to grip or throw a ball with more accuracy than another team, was it? Sure, Mr. Kraft, if only the “Deflator” had just punched the balls in an elevator, then it would have only been a two game suspension.

In the post-apocalyptic festering moonscape that Foxborough, Massachusetts must be right now, I cannot fathom how Robert Kraft produced these statements from his mouth. I understand the basic physics on a person vocalizing sounds and forming them into words, I just cannot understand how a man with as much intelligence as Mr. Kraft has can actually speak them.

I cannot begin to wrap my brain around how physically tampering with the object by which the game is played doesn’t warrant the wrath received. And in my opinion, the punishment should have been much more severe.

Let’s put this all into perspective, shall we?

Robert Kraft had the Patsy’s attorney respond to the Wells Report reference to a “deflater” as a chubby guy trying to lose weight and not a guy with a needle passing air out of Brady’s Squisy Balls.

I guess some people will do anything for money.

Kraft had few complaints in 2007 when the Patsy’s were caught filming other teams practices. “There was no dispute about the facts,” Kraft said in the ESPN article.

Well, there is little to dispute in the Wells Report because it’s hard to dispute something when you don’t come to the table and provide information requested by an investigator. Brady refused to hand over his phone. The “Deflator” was a guy that clearly had a problem with how picky Brady was about his balls.

And if Kraft has an issue with the “harshest penalty in league history” then why has he suspended the “Deflator?”
Why suspend a guy for not doing something you maintain he didn’t do? If Kraft believes his team did no wrong, then why suspend the “Deflator?” If the “Deflator” was a guy just trying to lose some extra weight, then why was he suspended? You are defending your golden-armed quarterback but flushing down the toilet your chubby ball boy. I’m sorry that was harsh. I don’t mean to deride another man’s weight problems.

Why do you or I care about this? Remember Belichick and his non-science? Remember in late January of 2015? Belichick gave us an incredible in-depth explanation of how the “texture and feel” of Tom’s balls and how it takes all week to get them “just right.” It is truly a compelling example of unintended comedy.

I welcome your thoughts on a drinking game for this clip.

I just hope we all can reach an equilibrium on the texture and feel of the self-righteous hog-swill flowing out of Foxbourogh these days.

Till next time, it is not a scandal until we come up with a catchy name for it, and follow me @Deepdfspicks.