The Ted Wells Report on “Deflate Gate” an investigation surrounding the New England Patriots and the air-pressure of their footballs was released today. The entire investigation seemed to be some kind of unfunny joke, but since it’s incredibly relevant we figured we’d scan through and highlight the most crucial and/or most entertaining lines in the report:

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View the Entire Wells Report Here

Background and Intro

During the first half of the game, a question was raised by the Colts concerning the inflation level of the footballs being used by the Patriots. As a result, at halftime, members of the officiating crew assigned to the game, overseen by a senior officiating supervisor from the National Football League (the “NFL” or the “League”), tested the air pressure of footballs being used by each of the Patriots and the Colts. All eleven of the Patriots game balls tested measured below the minimum pressure level of 12.5 pounds per square inch (“psi”) allowed by Rule 2 of the Official Playing Rules of the National Football League (the “Playing Rules”) on both of two air pressure gauges used to test the balls.

Basically the Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs in the AFC Championship Game vs. the Colts. This confirms reports that 11 of the 12 footballs used by New England were under inflated.

Basic Findings

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Ball Boy in the Bathroom

The report says that the Patriots ball boy, Jim McNally, took the footballs into the bathroom to play with them or deflate them something:

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The Ball Boy Really Doesn’t Like Tom Brady

There are a series of texts between McNally and another Patriots staffer where McNally openly complains about how annoying Tom Brady is and his complaints about the air pressure of the footballs. Probably the best/funniest part of the entire report:

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And if you forgot, Tom Brady really likes balls. Old balls, new balls, rubbed balls etc.

Half-Time Ball Pressures

Here are your OFFICIAL air-pressure totals from half-time. And for everyone out there, PSI means pounds per square inch of pressure, and not that the balls weighed 10 pounds.

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Whole Bunch of Science Talk

The next few pages are just a whole bunch of Bill Nye the Science Guy stuff where they talk about the possibility of atmospheric conditions. Like a lot of science talk

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It was all a big joke…that we’re taking seriously

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Tom Brady Knew What Was Happening…I think?

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The Patriots Didn’t Make Jim McNally Available…Maybe?

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But Bob Kraft says that’s not exactly true in a statement to ESPN’s Adam Schefter:

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Brady Didn’t Want Teddy Wells Reading His Texts

Shocking Tom didn’t want Wells digging into his intimate text messages with his supermodel wife

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They Interviewed A Bunch of People

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This is just the first table of people they interviewed. There’s four pages of people. The only one that stood out is one Mr. Mike Kensil

Lots of Pages of Nothing

Skip right ahead through pages 30 – 90. They just describe more details of most of the stuff mentioned above…

The only interesting gem was more details on McNally’s pee break with the footballs and this below…

It Apparently Did Start on the D’Qwell Jackson Interception…

Even though he said it didn’t

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Minus the fact that Jackson said publicly he had nothing to do with it…

Belichick Had Nothing to Do With It

No real mention of any involvement from Bill Belichick…so the Dark Lord of the Patriots was innocent?

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Brady Doesn’t Know Who This Random Ball Guy is…

Shocking Tom Brady doesn’t know who the 43 year old ball boy is

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All the texts between McNally and Jastremski (the other equipment guy) said that Jastremski knew Brady and talked to him but never spoke with McNally, but let’s just ignore that part…

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Let’s Take A Step Back…The Trap Was Set in Week 11

The Colts apparently got their initial concerns in Week 11

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Tom Brady is a nice guy

He gives equipment guys like Jastremski really cool gifts

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We Have the First 6 Numbers of Brady’s Phone Number

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I’ll spend the rest of my day typing every four-digit combo into my phone trying to reach Tom Terrific

I’ll try to see if there’s anything else worth reading here, but this was a WILD thrill ride. I recommend you read the whole thing through, if you’re desperate to try and fall asleep. Reading this entire report was the equivalent of taking 6 Nyquils and trying to go for a jog. A+ entertainment.