It’s officially July 4th week which means time to mail it in at work and start daydreaming about the weekend… Aka the Soul Food of ‘Merica baby! Everyone’s got their own twist but here’s my Top 10 Ranking of July 4th Cookout Foods…
10) Corn On The Cob
Honestly didn’t even want to include it on the list but it’s too standard to ignore. Never tastes right, absolute mess to eat, and ALWAYS gets stuck in your teeth. How am I gonna open mouth kiss the American Flag with kernels riding dirty? Bad look. If you hate fun then plan on choking down corn all day.
9) Hot Dogs
Arguably one of the most American foods of all time and yet maybe the most overrated. Never enjoyed how hard it is to find a solid bun AND pretty sure I could casually eat 100 dogs before feeling anything. Keep in mind these aren’t baseball franks, they’re little wieners your uncle has been boiling for 5 hours. No amount of ketchup/relish/nacho chili cheese can make that not suck.
Great cookout food but also very easy to ruin. Coleslaw can go from 0 to 100% Mayo Soup REAL quick. Generally I only take one bite of this anyway to tell myself I ate vegetables that day slash have earned the opportunity to eat 5 more cheeseburgers.
7) Apple Pie
People used to say “as American as apple pie” a lot and then “American Pie” came out and everybody was like shit we need a new phrase now. Not sure how the Pie Industry has handled the PR hit but there’s no denying a slice of apple pie + scoop of vanilla ice cream is pure summer bliss. Great Weird Al parody song too.
Super refreshing, easily carved, cool seeds to spit on uninvited guests…watermelon has it all. The real trick here is throwing it in a bathtub of mash liquor a couple days before so each bite gives ya that July 4th Zippity Do Dah.
5) Buffalo Wings
Not super practical for a cookout and more messy than corn but when done right there are few foods that can defeat the mighty wing. Whether they’re slathered in buffalo, BBQ, honey mustard, Jamaican jerk, garlic onion, teriyaki, Parmesan etc etc they always bring the heat. Also drowning them in blue cheese is a easy way to make even the worst wing worthy.
Fruit, Meat, Veges…Kebabs are the ultimate Flex position cookout food. Can make any combination of any flavor and no matter how they taste they ALWAYS look Bomb dotCom. There’s nothing more American than being completely vain/worried about how you look instead of what’s on the inside. Kebabs are a great way to feed that self esteem dilemma you most certainly have.
If I could’ve done the Top 10 Burgers You Will Eat On July 4th I absolutely would have. No food on here comes close to the power of the Burger and they never will. Buns, cheeses, spices, flavors, JUICE. Burger’s are the greatest gift we have on Earth and America deserves a lot of credit for that. Why aren’t they #1 you ask? Well that’s a stupid question to wonder at this point; you’re almost done reading just go down two more and figure it out jabroni.
2) Something Red/White/Blue
Yea although technically something you can’t eat, this is the (second) most important component of a July 4th Cookout. It doesn’t have to be listed above but you BETTER have a sweet ‘Merica outfit… and also at least one completely outlandish RED/WHITE/BLUE artifact to prove your worth to our Forefathers. Gotta Look Good To Feast Good…Ben Franklin said that.
Come one! Come all! Alcohol of all shapes and sizes! Literally doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s liquid and it WORKS. It’s the #1 thing you need not just to get the dance party started… but get enough of this stuff and your cooking skills matter literally 0%. It’s the only way I end up eating corn on the cob and hot dogs every year. Just make sure to be responsible and don’t overdo it with hard liquor. You need to make sure to get some Stars n’ Stripes beer cans for the evening Stone Cold Salute. America is so awesome man.
Think you know American foods better than me? Hit me up on Twitter and let me know!
Just don’t you dare claim to love burgers more than me. My burger eating outfit is ready LIKE NOW.