COME AFTER ME! I’M A MAN! I’M 41! I’M NOT A KID I’M A GIANT RUSSIAN MONSTER RAISED ON A STEADY DIET OF DESPAIR, VODKA, AND LARGE HEAVY OBJECTS!

Well can’t argue with the results. Whatever the Russians feed em over there clearly works in spades. That’s Elbrus Nigmatullin, who hails from the Ural Mountains. He’s been named the strongest man in Russia FOUR times. He’s also the first oxen man to move a house that big, that far. Take it away Elbrus!

 

“When I first approached this house, I was only 30 percent sure that I could make something happen. But when the eyes are afraid, the legs keep on going,” Nigmatullin said after becoming the first person in the world to move a standing country cottage.”

 

Allllllrighty then. Sweet advice with the “legs keep on going” stuff but I already know that will never ever work for me. Maybe Elbrus can chill a little bit and stop lifting outrageously heavy things?

 

“The strongman now plans to head to Feodosia, where he will join an athlete from Crimea, Jamshid Ismatilaevym, in an attempt to pull a ship weighing some 1.5 tons.”

 

Well shit. In that case if anyone’s gonna make me feel inadequate about my strength/determination/manly essence it’s gonna be a damn American! Who can save the day in such a time of need!

 
 

 

Bam! 440 lbs OWNED by pure American muscle. NOW MY WORKOUTS DONE.