Fun times in Cleveland this weeeeeeeeek, CLEVE-LAND YA! 

 

I don’t think anyone is surprised the Cavs made it to the NBA Finals. Sure they had a rough start and with Lebron getting testosterone massages in Miami it seemed like the Heatles first season all over again. Some impressive accomplishments but nowhere near the ultimate prize. Now with only 1/3 of the new new new Big 3 alive, the hopes of an entire city once again rest on the sore right wrist of King James. Which is pretty cool because I love when stories are new and original and not the SAME THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

Cleveland is in BIG trouble folks. Consider the best situation here…Cleveland beats the MVP #1 seed and Lebron cements his Akron legacy forever. Every bad Decision he made is forgiven and any bad sports memory a Cleveland fan has is immediately wiped away. If an entire state has waited their ENTIRE existence for one moment of relevance, pretty sure whenever they get that moment, they will all literally lose their minds. And REALLY like fire. So best case scenario; Cavs win the NBA Finals = Cleveland burns to the ground cackling.

Worst case scenario? The Cavs are humiliated, the Warriors win the title on the road, Lebron adds another sad jersey throwing clip to his montage, Love talks about leaving, Lebron teases he might look elsewhere, Blatt tries to do anything other than stand in one place, JR Smith shoots 3%, Kyrie has 5 total assists for the series, etc etc. All things that will most likely happen. All of that + Warriors win the NBA Finals = Cleveland nukes themselves into the stone age. Not trying to be negative just calling it like I see it. Do THESE look like good omens to you?

 

Banner with 2 injured players plus the Mad King

lebrong

Did Stern have these printed up in October when he had his annual “deciding who plays in the Finals before the season starts” meeting? Maybe Lebron pushed for it so he doesn’t even have make injury excuses, Twitter can do it for him. Is Lebron no longer Kyrie’s father? Either way it’s just so confusing and definitely not the juju Cleveland needs. Speaking of bad juju…

 

Lebron Jobu James Stained Glass Window

lebron glass

Creepy as shit and again very confusing. Really couldn’t find another piece of glass other than gold for his forehead? Really had to give him the teeth of the Joker and sullen eyes of Jabba? Forget the Based God curse this is a whole other level. Only positive is it’s gonna look SWEET getting smashed against the flaming overturned cars in downtown Cleveland.

 

Cavaliers 2015 Championship Leg Tattoo

tattoo

It worked out SO well for Jason Terry, the Kentucky Wildcats fan, pretty much anyone who’s ever done this has never ever regretted it. Oh wait EVERYONE has? Cool. If this dude somehow survives the riots he could hold out hope for next year. Do a smidge of work and make that 5 a 6. Boom done! Unfortunately Cleveland will be an ignored pile of ashes by 2016 so not looking great for him on any front.

 

Baby Sacrifices

Those poor unfortunate souls. Not even on Earth for 48 minutes and their lives are already ruined. Kind of the sick cult mentality they have around Cleveland. WE’RE ALL IN AND YOU’RE COMING WITH US TOO YOU LITTLE SHITS I REFUSE TO BE SAD AND ALONE. These 5 kids could’ve been something in the world. Now they’re just Cavs fans and lifelong Cleveland residents. WOOF. If you tried to give a Whitewalker one of these babies he’d spit right in your stupid face. Definitely will make some nice kindling next week though. #AllinCLE    

 

So yea unless God himself really has anointed King James as the chosen one, Cleveland is toast. I’d say it’s been a good ride but it’s been just about the worst. Au revoir Shoshanna!  

 

PS In all seriousness, at least you’re not Detroit. That would be the worst.