The Finals are over, which means only thing: TIS THE SEASON OF 3AM ADRIAN WOJNAROWSKI NBA TRANSACTION BOMBSHELLS.

DISCLAIMER: If you would like to read real, legitimate basketball analysis regarding where DeMarcus Cousins might end up: check out Julian Edlow’s theory here. I only suggest continuing on if you enjoy completely biased opinions from beyond desperate, “start shaking the couch to see if any change falls out so we can go get high off the Knicks” fans.

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Are you sure you want to continue?

Ok, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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DEMARCUS COUSINS IS GONNA BE A NEW YORK KNICK, I SWEAR IT TO BE TRUE.

Let me explain…

Woj went nuclear on us with his report that DeMarcus Cousins and George Karl currently have an irreparable relationship. More specifically, Woj’s report reads: “Since the end of the 2014-15 season, Cousins has become aware of Karl’s campaign to move him – including teammates telling Cousins, sources said. All around the Kings and Cousins, there is a growing belief the coach-player relationship is irreparable. Trust is a constant theme with Cousins, and he’s been unable to build any with Karl, sources said. No one in the Sacramento organization – not coaches, nor players, nor support staff – wants to imagine the combustible scenario awaiting Karl and Cousins should the Kings try to reunite them in training camp.”

Here’s what makes this so toxic:
To summarize: Vivek recently told USA Today: “”But if you like, you should talk to (Kings vice president of basketball and franchise operations) Vlade (Divac), because I know Vlade feels exactly the same way. And I’m deferring to Vlade on everything. We have no interest in moving him. From my perspective, it’s really simple: we feel that he’s a one-of-a-kind player, and we have a group of players right now and we’re going to build on it…”

While Adrian Wojnarowski came in last night with: “Karl has been recruiting Kings vice president of basketball operations Vlade Divac and multiple players on the Kings’ roster to unite with him in making the case to owner Vivek Ranadive that Cousins needs to be traded, league sources said.”

Translation: NO-ONE’s stories line up AT ALL, and the Sacramento Kings are absolutely imploding before our very eyes.

You’re probably thinking to yourself right now: “Yeah, so what? This happens all the time in the NBA. Who cares you idiot? Stop spewing nonsense and go to bed.”

While you’re certainly not wrong, this is a completely different animal. THIS. IS. BOOGIE!!!!

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Minutes after Woj’s report hit the internet, DeMarcus Cousins went FULL DeMarcus Cousins:

Those emojis are alluding to: “When the grass is cut, the snakes will show…”

A phrase not only made famous by Andre Iguodala when George Karl accused him of being a “mole” for the Golden State Warriors during their 2014 Playoff series (while playing for the Karl-coached Denver Nuggets_…

but more importantly: it is Carmelo Anthony’s famous words after being dealt to the Knicks via Denver, and in response to Coach Karl’s: “Defensive focus, his demand of himself, is what frustrated us more than anything” and eventual:”He’s an individual that produces individual success but doesn’t produce Championships” criticism after his departure.

So, where does this leave us?

One thing is for certain: George Karl does not believe in “just being friends” after breaking up. He is gonna go on Instagram and post all of those nudies you sent him while dating, and make sure he taints your reputation before you so much as have one drink out as ‘single’.

Is there anything else to look into here? Is DeMarcus Cousins simply following in the footsteps of the superstars who have been wronged by Karl in the past?

OR…

(PREPARE THE USS CONSPIRACY THEORY FOR DEPARTURE)

IS THIS A SUBTWEET TO CARMELO ANTHONY THAT HE WANTS TO BE TRADED TO NEW YORK!?!?!

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Yes: there are multiple reasons why Boogie Cousins tweeted those emojis specifically, BUT: they are all centered around the same motif … he wants to be sent to New York. He clearly loves Melo. YOU DON’T JUST TWEET ANOTHER PLAYER’S INK WITHOUT PURPOSE IN TODAY’S NBA AMIRITE?

Let’s also not forget that the feeling is mutual. Carmelo Anthony recently publicly endorsed DeMarcus Cousins, telling The Sacramento Bee: “I love him, I love him … I’m trying to get him to calm down a little bit but I love him, his game, what he can do out there on the basketball court … He stuffs the stat sheet, points, rebounds. He can pass the ball, [Cousins] got a good feel for the game.”

OH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is this really happening? THIS IS HAPPENING.

Now before I go and change my pants, let’s look at the logistics of how it’s going to happen. Pinky swear not to laugh?

PROMISE FIRST, DAMNIT. THIS IS SERIOUS.

Ok, now kiss your thumb. Here we go:

  • The Good News: The Knicks have the 4th draft pick in this Thursday’s NBA Draft! And are looking to trade it! HELL YEAH!
  • The Bad News: The Knicks have the most laughable roster of players you will ever look at.
Thus, I propose the following package to the Sacramento Kings IN ADDITION to the first round pick on Thursday:

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TAKE IT. TAKE IT ALL. TAKE THE ENTIRE ACTIVE ROSTER.

Trading the franchise’s future for the next decade in exchange for a veteran, troubled player? This hasn’t totally backfired on the Knicks in the past or anything so we should be good.

Welcome to the life of a Knicks fan … just when the team hires arguably the “smartest” brain in basketball to bottom out/hit the reset button/and build around draft picks, the young talent, and his beautiful basketball mind — here we are: back to square one mortgaging every asset in hopes of obtaining a horrifically volatile superstar.

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In all seriousness, whether or not this conspiracy theory actually pans out and Phil Jackson is able to acquire Boogie: watching the Knicks try and negotiate this potential blockbuster is goink to be great.